For the record, of all my friends, I not completely surprised that I’m the one with a “beer & nuts” story.
I was in Paris visiting Kara, my girlfriend at the time, for spring break. Kara, Mark & I were hanging around in Mark’s room at the Citè Universitaire when we all decided that we could use a beer. Unfortunately,the bars are expensive and it was too late for the grocery stores to be open. However, thank God for the corner liquor store, where bums can get drunk 24/7 in any country in the world.
So we walked to the corner store and shopped around for our beer of choice; what Kara & I choose was Kronenbourg 1664. By the time we got back to Mark’s dorm room to hoist our bottles to happy times, it was time for Kara to catch the last RER train to her place. (Yes, we took our sweet time choosing our beer. We’re that sophisticated).
I walked Kara to the RER station and was going to wait with her until her trained arrived, but I realized that I forgot my Metro pass. Thankfully, no security guards were around, so I squeezed through the turnstiles. Getting onto the platform to wait with Kara was fine, but after she left on her train…well, that was different story. This was where “beer & nuts” come in.
For some reason, I could not figure out how to squeeze back around the turnstile. And for those of you who don’t know, these are fully body turnstiles. Sucking in my gut and pinching my fat arse, I began to squeeze in. It was a tight squeeze coming in, but for some reason it was tighter going out. I wasn’t careful enough and POKE! I was in so much pain (note the 2nd half of the title) but I had to continue to squeeze by otherwise it would hurt more.
By the time I got back to Mark’s room, I was wading along holding my precious package. Thank God for cold beer because it eased the pain of my loins. It was then that Mark & I decided to drink up the beer that night, and not share it with Kara for her sake. It was probably the best idea we had that night. And yet, I wonder if Kara knows to this day what happened to her beer.