This is my Christmas tree. Surprisingly, for a tiny tree, I spent a lot of time decorating it and had a lot of fun doing so.
#1 – Not being loved.
Growing up in an abusive authoritarian (versus authoriative) Asian household, love was a word that was thrown around and not often experienced. For me, love was something I saw on TV, in movies, or worse, in other families.
Going back to my #2-4 fears, the past three all builds up to this. I’m afraid to become like my parents because I want to love my children. I want to be there for them, encourage them, show them love versus yelling, disciplining, and degrading. I want my kids to grow up knowing that they are loved and not knowing what love is. I’m afraid of girls because without a loving household growing up, I don’t know how properly love a person. I would like to give my future wife everything she needs and requires, but I’m afraid that since I did not know what love is growing up, I don’t know if I can give the love that she desires. And as for failures, because I don’t want anyone to live a life unloved, I always pour my heart out to each person in the only love I know, service. As Jesus served others through His love, that’s how I aim to love and serve everyone else. I do not want to fail people as I have been. I want to show them the love that each person deserve and needs. Even if my knowledge of love is still incompleted.
So what is love? I don’t know. Whatever it is, I’ve been looking for a lifetime. I want to know how it is to be loved, whether it’s a friend, a significant other, or my family. I am content with my life because of my selfless service to others as I try to share the love that I know. However, there’s still a void in me wanting and wishing to be loved. I just hope that I will one day know what love is.
Before I reveal my #1 thing that I’m afraid of, I thought it would be fun to do a short recap of all my fears and include other fears that did not make the top 5.
# 10 – Heights.
The perfect example would be me being dropped by a clown when I was younger; unfortunately, that was not the case. However, I’m working on this one. I’ve taken up rock climbing (real cliffs) and I love it. The accomplishment of going so high up and looking down is amazing. Now I just need to make sure that I don’t flip upside down again, lest I fall out of my harness.
# 9 – Large Dogs.
Small Asian boy next to very big dog = fresh jerky.
# 8 – Birds.
Flying rats (pigeons), geese, and seagulls, oh my! Geese dived bomb me. Pigeons pooped on me. Seagulls charge at me. I hate birds.
# 7 – Dancing.
I may be Asian, but I dance like a stiff white man with no rhythm and two left feet. Can anyone say Disco?
# 6 – Babies.
Give me a baby and I will have no clue which end is what, then again at that age it’s all the same. I can handle young children, but not babies. Diapers, burping, crying, farting, the googoogaagaa…I’m completely clueless! Until the child is about 4, I will not have the slightest idea. Thanks honey!
# 5 – Clowns.
IT Clown and spiders.
# 4 – Becoming like my parents.
You get straight A’s or you stupid and don’t be successful. You too fat, you need to exercise. You can’t play with friends because friends is bad. You chores, clean house mean clean family.
# 3 – Girls.
“Naahhh…you’re beautiful. Would you want to come to my room so we can instant message and play Dungeons and Dragons?”
# 2 – Failure.
I never want to have to say sorry to you. I never want to fail you. I will do my best not to fail. I will not fail.
# 1 – ???
It will be posted Monday morning. Something to look forward to after a long weekend.
My family’s traditional Thanksgiving meal often excludes the turkey. We have Cornish hens as our bird substitute. Even though our hens are much smaller than a turkey, my dad still gets his free turkey from his company. That turkey normally sits on the cold porch until my mom has time to chop it for other uses.
One time after Thanksgiving dinner, I had to take out the trash. Per my mom’s direction, I had to throw everything away on the back porch. Sitting on the porch was 3-4 garbage bags…and the frozen turkey. “Everything? You Sure?” I asked. “YES!” my mom yelled. That was convincing enough. Feeling bad that I was throwing a good turkey away, I left it on top of the trash bin for someone to take
A little later, my sister walked into the living room and asked, “Where’s the turkey?”
Amid the commotion of the lost turkey, my parents called me crazy for throwing away a good turkey. It wasn’t my fault! Mom insisted that I had to throw everything away. I was just being a good and obedient son. I went to retrieve it, except that the turkey was gone for good. Someone took it. At least someone will be putting it to good use.
Now what my parents didn’t know, was that before I threw the turkey away, I had a little fun. It was cold and there was snow and ice covering the alley. I couldn’t resist. I did a little turkey bowling in the alley. I had two gutter birds before I gave up.
So I grew the beard and played out “no shave November” pretty much as I planned. Yes, my beard was pretty shady and I looked like a hobo working for a high school. Yes, my hair was too long and it was looking nappy. But hey, I did it. Now that it’s over, my face is shaved and my hair is cut. Except, there is one slight problem. Accord to my students, I now look like a little freshman, again. I will never win.
#2 – Failure.
I afraid to fail. I cannot stand the thought of people, friends who rely on me only to realize that I fell short. I had too many disappointments in my life caused by others. I refuse for everyone else to suffer at my cost. I refuse to fail them.
I always feel like it’s my responsibility to take on tasks (sometimes unnecessary) to prove to others and myself that I am capable. Some of the tasks are simple enough, but I pressure myself to go beyond and excel. If I don’t, people won’t notice me or realize my true capabilities. The harder tasks I take up because I want to be challenged or was assigned. These tasks always makes me nervous because it often entails things that I either don’t know or requires me to do something that I’m not use to. I’m always cautious, too cautious because of my fear. However, it is that fear that I refuse to stop and give up. I always give it my all and hope that I am able to excel. My work is a prime example. It’s more than I am use to but I refuse to let the program fail.
The greatest failure that I am afraid of is not being the best friend/person I could be to others. Throughout my life, particularly my childhood, I had many friends fail on me. Due to this, I was wary of making friends for a long time. It wasn’t until high school when I met my first true friends and made friends again. From then on, I promised myself that I will be the best friend any person could have lest they are betrayed like I was. I can’t stand people who are fake friends. I refuse to be another one of them. I will not be a failed friend. I will be the best friend each person could ever hope for. It is through this hope that one day I will finally meet my best friend.
I hate failure. I’m afraid of failing. I will always work hard and hope that I will never fail nor disappoint you.