Things I’m Most Afraid of, No. 1

#1 – Not being loved.

Growing up in an abusive authoritarian (versus authoriative) Asian household, love was a word that was thrown around and not often experienced.  For me, love was something I saw on TV, in movies, or worse, in other families.

Going back to my #2-4 fears, the past three all builds up to this.  I’m afraid to become like my parents because I want to love my children.  I want to be there for them, encourage them, show them love versus yelling, disciplining, and degrading.  I want my kids to grow up knowing that they are loved and not knowing what love is.  I’m afraid of girls because without a loving household growing up, I don’t know how properly love a person.  I would like to give my future wife everything she needs and requires, but I’m afraid that since I did not know what love is growing up, I don’t know if I can give the love that she desires.  And as for failures, because I don’t want anyone to live a life unloved, I always pour my heart out to each person in the only love I know, service.  As Jesus served others through His love, that’s how I aim to love and serve everyone else.  I do not want to fail people as I have been.  I want to show them the love that each person deserve and needs.  Even if my knowledge of love is still incompleted.

So what is love?  I don’t know.  Whatever it is, I’ve been looking for a lifetime.  I want to know how it is to be loved, whether it’s a friend, a significant other, or my family.  I am content with my life because of my selfless service to others as I try to share the love that I know.  However, there’s still a void in me wanting and wishing to be loved.  I just hope that I will one day know what love is.

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