I went to see my best friend, Phil, from high school tonight to wish him goodbye. He’s heading to Minnesota for a job. We both pondered what he’s going to do in Minnesota. It’s not like Phil is going to be in the Twin Cities. Poor guy, he’s going to be in the middle of nowhere. The closest city is Fargo, ND which is an hour away. At least his town has a McDonald’s, so it’s not that remote.
So Phil, as you move out to Bufu, MN, I would like to honor your departure from Chicago with great memories of our friendship throughout the years. I’ll shall recall them in the most homo erotic way I can think. This way you know you’re not missing out much when you’re in Minnesota. That being said…
We first met at the end of freshmen orientation. There was another guy with us but I gave you all my attention because it was then I realized that my life cannot be properly Phil’d without you. We shared almost every moment together during our four years of high school. Remember the immature freshmen days of being called wasted sperm and shriveling up in Latin class? What about the delightful mornings of sophomore choir where we sang for “Joy!” as we made all those choir boys before us proud. Do you remember chemistry where we would take turns letting our chemicals explode? Or the long nights of play practice where we would step up to bat with a 2-by-4? Let us never forget US History where we learned “who really was the daddy.” I thoroughly enjoyed the days where we swapped our codes in programming, in hopes that we could compile together during the late nights.
My favorite memory was the time during our senior year when we were walking down the narrow library hallway as a couple. A poor freshman was walking the other way. I couldn’t help myself so I bumped you. You then bumped the freshman. Poor kid, he was left moaning on the floor when we were through with him.
Also, I cannot let you leave by saying thanks to you for helping me pull the best prank ever. What can I say? We just did a number on the cow as we took turns on who would be in front and who would take the back. From the hallway, to the stairs, and finally to my boss’ office. We sure made the most of it, especially with the Christmas lights setting the mood.
So Dr. Phil, as you leave for a small town in Minnesota that varies between 7K to 20K in population, depending on who you ask, remember that we will see each other again and hang out as always. Just stay away from all those wet lakes up there; I hear there a plethora of them waiting for you to take a dip in.
As we recorded our goodbyes, I couldn’t help but look back and wonder where my hand went. Cheers mate!
(For those of you who are completely confused, grossed out or feeling awkward right now…please know that I have acheived my goal. Just kidding! Read it again w/o any dirty thoughts and it’ll make sense. The humor was for my friend Phil who is departing Chicago and I wanted to make his departure less sad and more humorous.)