Comcast Cares

Dear Comcast,

It’s been a month since we started to see each other and honestly, I don’t think it’s working out.   I have had more issues and problems with you in the past 30 days than when I was seeing RCN for the past 3 years.  The only reason why I broke up with RCN was because I was moving and she wouldn’t come to see me in my new abode.  (RCN, I miss you and I’ll take you back if you come to me!)  But as for you Comcast, I was very misled about how you care.

My biggest shock was how much you’re costing me Comcast.  It’s nothing like a dinner and a movie and maybe something else later.  No, it’s more like “Dinner now! Movie now! Your pants, now! No fun for you!”  RCN was no cheap date, but at least she understood my financial situation.  You on the other hand are like a high maintenance girlfriend with any hope of making out later in the night.  “Be there between 8 AM to 1 PM.  I’ll show up at some point in time.”  And when you did arrive, it was all business and a $200 first date.  That was when I knew this might not work out.

After your friend left, at least I assumed it was your friend and not your part-time lover, you didn’t performed to what I expected.  It was a major let down when I tired to connect for the first time and you decided to go to sleep and leave me hanging for 8 hours.  Your friend was long gone and I had to play around with your little black box and fidget around your wires before you decided to wake up and started to talk to me.

Not more than 2 days into our relationship, you decided to leave me again.  A day without any connection or service.  I tried to call you but you left a pre-recorded voice saying, “Oh yeah, I’m having a hard time in your area right now.  Don’t worry, I know about it.  Just hang up.”  Were you visiting your “friend”? You started to work again after a while, but that wasn’t the end of it.

Before the end of the first week, you left me for a second time.  Umm…hello?  You’re no cheap date, but you seem to like to leave me high and dry for the ass crack showing friend of yours.  I mean, I’m way cuter and more fit than he’ll ever be!  I called you once again and heard your voice message.  I refused to hang up; I wanted to know where you were.  Eventually, I was able to reach someone.  (Your sister maybe?)  She finally apologized and told me you’ll return within 6 hours (you didn’t).  She was even so kind enough to refund me on your lack of service.  To which I thank her, but personally, I would like to have what I paid for.

It wasn’t until the next evening that you came back.  You didn’t even say hello, you just showed up and expected everything to be fine.  Sadly, it wasn’t fine.  During that whole week, you were just sub par on your service.  Every time I would go to YouTube and watch my subscriptions, you would be crawling.  I see through your cheap marking schemes of up to 12mb/s.  That “up to” means late at night when everyone is asleep and only horny teenage boys and creepy old men would go online to look at porn.  Whereas when I come home, I just want to connect and see what is happening on the Internets.  Alas, you were crawling so slow that I just have to get up and leave the room.  At least RCN says 1.5 mb/s, they mean 1.5.  I knew what I was getting and they never deviated from it.  You on the other hand was the most moody child I have ever met.  (Did you break up with your “friend”?)  Even was laughing at me when I told him to check you out.  Ugh!

Finally, you started to become slightly reliable until I turned on the TV and realized, “Wait a minute?  Why is everything so fuzzy and having double images?”  All I wanted to do was to watch TV with you and you wouldn’t let me.  Now I’m no rocket scientist, but I know that I don’t have HD (even though you want to give it to me…for a price).  However, even digital quality should not suck this much.  Additionally, I know that there should be at least a few channels that is not limited to the 4:3 aspect ratio.  How do I know?  That’s because these are common channels that publicly acknowledge that they broadcast at 16:9.  I can change how my TV looks at it by “zooming” in, but that’s not what I want.  I want you to work and not be passive aggressive like the money sucking whore that you are; “Oh sure, I can do that, but it’ll cost you.”

I got so fed up that tonight I called your sister again.  Even she said that this is not right.  She even tried to help me, but you still refuse to work.  Finally, your sister said, “Well maybe we can send someone out to look at it for you.”  Oh, I see your evil ways of trying to get your “friend” back out here to cheat on me.  Not to mention, cheat on me while I’m here in my own home right in front of me!  He gets to touch you all the ways you want.  But that’s not the worse thing, even now your sister is trying to sell me things on your behalf!  For 8.99 more I can get you a new shiny box.  Which is completely different for $9.99 extra, I can get to see more of you.  (No wonder I haven’t got any play.) Ugh, you talked to her recently didn’t you?

Needless to say, I’m a blogger, a YouTuber and a Twitter.  I need to stay connected so I can contribute, but it’s kind of hard to do that when you’re so unpredictable. When I come home at night, it’s more of me saying, “I wonder if Comcast is in a good mood tonight?  Maybe I’ll get lucky.”  I know I’m not alone because two of my friends have been constantly complaining about you too.  (Are you cheating on me?)  I wonder who else is out there that had issues (or even having issues…you whore) with you.  Honestly, I’m not out to whine and try to swindle free service and swag (unlike that one woman from BlogHer).  I just want to get what I paid for.  I paid for you and you’re not performing.  I gave you dinner, a movie and my freaking pants!  All I get in return is, “Oh hey, I’m not feeling too good tonight, mind just chilling for a bit while I take some personal time?”

Seriously, a hooker on the street corner would be cheaper than you AND I know she’ll perform.  I’m sorry Comcast but this is not working out.  If RCN was around, I’ll jump all over her.  Unfortunately, I’m stuck with you.  Just know that when we hit 6 months, it’s over.  I’m sorry, but you’re just not worth it.


` Phampants

UPDATE: At 12:03 AM on August 31st, my Internet is not working again.

UPDATE 2: Internet is working at full capacity at 7:40 AM.

UPDATE 3: Arrived home from work just after 5 and the Internet is out again.

UPDATE 4: 5:21 PM on the phone w/ Comcast again.  Internet is in and out.

UPDATE 5: It’s 6:45 PM and I have Inet again after 1 hour of having nothing.  Let’s so how the rest of the night goes

UPDATE 6: Emailed Comcast Mark only to get a response from Detreon.  Umm…

UPDATE 7: Comcast person called twice.  Phone was in pocket & on vibrate but it did not buzzed.  Went to VM twice but Comcast person failed to leave call back number for appointment.

UPDATE 8: Waiting at home for the Comcast tech to arrive.  Already had 2 outages this afternoon.  Called the Comcast exec office per my voicemail when the 2nd outage happened.  Talked to my 1st floor neighbor and he said he’s been having the same issue I’m having w/ Internet.  Though he cannot explain why my cable is not working properly.

UPDATE 9: Mario & Oscar came to look at the situation.  Found cause of poor workmanship.  There was a staple in the line, unnecessary line tension & unapproved cable splitter.  Provided proof that the original tech did the line maneuvering via witness & left equipment (staple gun & extra cable modem).  Checked cable box in the back of the building to which Mario states that whoever installed the line the first time did a poor job.  Box checked out okay.   By fixing the cable line, reducing tension & replacing with a proper splitter, Internet is working fine now (no dropped pings) and there is no longer ghosting on the TV.   One month after I started to pay for Comcast, things should work properly now.  Let’s hope this is the last update.  9/1/09


17 thoughts on “Comcast Cares

  1. We had similar problems with Comcast when I lived in Virginia. That cold, hard bitch took out my darling Adelphia and then flaked like the before photo in a Head and Shoulders ad. Good luck.

  2. Phampants,

    I work for Comcast and I would really like to help in correcting the problems that you are experiencing with Comcast.

    I appreciate you expressing your concerns and we are really sorry for all the troubles we have caused. Please allow me to assist in making this right for you. Do you mind sending me the phone number on the account so that I can look into this you? I certainly would like to prevent these problems from happening again in the future.


    Mark Casem
    Comcast Corp.
    National Customer Operations

    • Gee Mark,

      Seems odd I have two Comcast reps following me on Twitter, and I’ve given someone at Comcast all the details about my service before, but for all the money I dump into your service, you still find a way to puke all over the place at least once a month.

      I’m tired of paying what I pay for substandard service, I’m tired of your CS reps blaming me for the service interruptions at night only to see the neighborhood swarming with Comcast bucket trucks the next morning, I’m tired of having to call you on my cell phone, or even having to have you on speed-dial because the phones puke with the Internet.

      Why is it I don’t have to call the electric company or the gas company all the time, maybe neither have two celebrity spokespersons on every channel, every day, all the time, maybe if you spent less trying to acquire new customers, and made nice with your existing customers we’d all be happy campers, I’m sorry Comcast, you’ve dropped the ball one too many times, AT&T U-Verse has come to the neighborhood, (So what if they were caught with Room 641A, strong cryptography makes the world a safer place) I’m sure Comcast is probably just as tight with the powers that be…

      Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

  3. All I can say is, I understand your pain. Sadly, I don’t think there’s anything we can do about it. There just isn’t enough competition in the market.

  4. Pray your pants off that you get FiOS in your area. Verizon is great to deal with – they put every other utility I’ve ever worked with to SHAME. Seriously, I wish everyone in the world would be as customer-friendly as Verizon…ahem…COMCAST (and Time Warner for you NYCers).

  5. It’s inevitable that if my internet is working, my cable is spotty. The entire time my internet was out, cable worked fine.

    But since the internet came with my apartment, I’m basically mooching off my landlord’s… and I hate calling him every time it goes out…

  6. One time I asked Comcast out but changed my mind the next day and told her to go away. She showed up anyway and called me to find out where I was. I told her to get off my property. This leaves out the details of how difficult it was to ask her out in the first place and how she begged me with offers of $20 off for six months when i told her to go away.
    Dupage Wireless and I have had a happy relationship for the past 15 months.

  7. Pingback: Top 10 Posts of 2009 « .:: phampants ::.

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