It’s been awhile since I touched you. I’ve often looked at you with a lingering stare.
I miss you. I want you, but I’ve been afraid.
I’ve been afraid that I would get hurt again.
I’ve been afraid to get back on you.
It’s not like I didn’t want to be one again.
But as I get older, I’ve begun to examine my mortality and it’s been hard to be reckless once again.
And yet, we weren’t completely reckless.
Together, we were free.
* * * *
And so, I lifted my bike on my shoulder and walked it down the back stairs. Tires freshly pumped. Lights on and brightly blinking. Click, click of the gears as I walked to the alley. I raised my right leg over the blue frame. With a breath, I lifted myself on my bike and pedaled. The wind whispered softly in my ears I pedaled down the orange glowing alley.
Nothing could have prepared me for this moment. After being hit by car while riding my bike (in a bike lane) last July, it’s been awhile since I could get myself to ride again. And not just ride along a trail, but truly ride. Ride and be free.
And this moment, as my legs powered through each pedal, I haven’t felt this free and empowered in ages. The bike became an extension of my body and my blood flowed through the bike as if we were one. I finally felt free again.
I caressed the blue frame that I loving call my Tardis.
“It’s good to be back,” I said to her as we zipped through the dark streets of Chicago on our new adventure.
My motto will always be “Ora et Labora“.
But sometimes I need to remind myself this motto: A.M.G.D.
#1 – Not being loved.
Growing up in an abusive authoritarian (versus authoriative) Asian household, love was a word that was thrown around and not often experienced. For me, love was something I saw on TV, in movies, or worse, in other families.
Going back to my #2-4 fears, the past three all builds up to this. I’m afraid to become like my parents because I want to love my children. I want to be there for them, encourage them, show them love versus yelling, disciplining, and degrading. I want my kids to grow up knowing that they are loved and not knowing what love is. I’m afraid of girls because without a loving household growing up, I don’t know how properly love a person. I would like to give my future wife everything she needs and requires, but I’m afraid that since I did not know what love is growing up, I don’t know if I can give the love that she desires. And as for failures, because I don’t want anyone to live a life unloved, I always pour my heart out to each person in the only love I know, service. As Jesus served others through His love, that’s how I aim to love and serve everyone else. I do not want to fail people as I have been. I want to show them the love that each person deserve and needs. Even if my knowledge of love is still incompleted.
So what is love? I don’t know. Whatever it is, I’ve been looking for a lifetime. I want to know how it is to be loved, whether it’s a friend, a significant other, or my family. I am content with my life because of my selfless service to others as I try to share the love that I know. However, there’s still a void in me wanting and wishing to be loved. I just hope that I will one day know what love is.
On April 15, 2007, Team Koinonia (Fat Hobbit, Besch, Panda, Pham, Danimal, Lynner) out raced Team FOCUS in the Spirit of St. Louis Half-Marathon. Team Koinonia finished 1, 3, 5, 6, 7 while Team FOCUS finished 2, 4, 8, 9, 10. When asked Team Koinonia about their race, a joyous resounding cry filled the air, “V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!“
Sometimes do you just want to scream? I do right now and I can feel the scream building from within. However, I always need to remember that I’m more mature than that. “Just suck it up and do it with your all,” I would then say to myself. Honestly, the easy way out sucks but the hard way makes me ponder if it’s worth it in the end. I know it is, but right now I’m far from the end. Well, here’s to one long journey of trust, hope, and faith in God!
So today, thanks to the gracious help from 3 work study kids, we (as in those 3) tossed out and recycled over 500 lbs of PC equipment that has been in storage for years. My predecessor, Fr. Zi, never threw anything away. He claimed that he can use them for parts. Honestly, I found a 486 Intel chip today, parts?!?!?! come on!
The attic is now clean and virtually empty, while the cabinets are bare. Manuals dating back to MSDOS days were thrown out by the dozens along side with 5 3/4 inch floppys. I’m glad I was not here in the summer when they threw away Apple IIs. Unfortunately, I am not able future progress in Quigley’s technology as I hoped, today was only a taste of what I would have done. I felt bad since they were doing almost all the grunt work, but I had to tie up lose ends before leaving for break. I gave them a lot of hours though in return for the amazing work.
On another note, does it happen to you such that your minds is set on one thing but your heart differs and is set on another, most likely the opposite of what the mind wants? That has been happening to me a lot and there has been no reconciliation between the mind and the heart. Such goes the say, “It is the heart that matters.” But what do you do when you cannot set your mind into the manners and matters of the heart?
My mind says I’m ready for Christmas, but my heart begs to differ.